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Remy Zero here, once again kicking the crap out of PROMETHEUS and people who attacked me for telling the truth about it!

A lot of people are angry with my review of PROMETHEUS. Some of you people are angrier at my autocorrect program. I’m the guy angry about the movie that introduced “Implacable Zombie Crewmember” to the Alien Wiki

Having seen the incredibly dull and disappointing PROMETHEUS and writing a hasty review of it to save you $17.00 from a long, boring midnight screening, a group of you Ingrates decided to shoot The Messenger! Well, the song remains the same–you are attacking me for the same truth telling as you did when your best friend told you the STAR WARS prequel wasn’t very good-or that Duke Nukem Forever is the Chinese Democracy of videogames

I was pretty vague in my review to convey my disappointment without resorting to the crotchkick of all disappointed film reviewers-yes, The Spoiler. Since The True Spoiler here is Ridley Scott–he’s the one who jacked up his own franchise in ways the Strause Brothers (“ALIEN VS PREDATOR REQUIEM”, anyone?) only dream about–we will sub his name for “Spoiler”. To address that transfiguration(that’s a religious term, because you obviously go to ALIEN movies in search of Important Questions About God-which is Where The Robots Provide Subtext) instead of the term SPOILER, i shall use the term RIDLEY SCOTT.

First off, let’s cut this “is it or isn’t it?” BS off at the pass. THIS IS AN ALIEN PREQUEL! Sorry, shoulda typed “Ridley Scott” before that. We’re on an Alien Planet well familiar to anybody who saw any ALIEN movie, sequel, rip-offg or Creed’s “With Arms Wide Open” video You’ve got worms that evolve into python-like proto face-huggers(arm-breakers this time) that induce acid blood.

It’s the exact same damn planet, same Weyland company, same “Space Jockey”, same pale robots who spit milk when their heads are knocked off. The eggs and chestburster are slightly different as is the RIDLEY SCOTT! young adult Alien seen at the end of the film. That’s your Darth Vader “NNNOOOOOOO!” moment, well worth 2 hours and 15 minutes to get to.

A big bald pale guy with a muscular bod is NOT scary. Having him as the Baddie, oh, excuse me, the film dubs them “Engineers” without a slide ruler or locomotive in sight-instead of the Alien is ridiculous. His pre-credit origin, committing ritual suicide at an interplanetary Niagra Falls was ridiculous. Not even a pro-active death, as his DNA swirls through the muck. Why? Because It Looks Cool. You don’t go to an Alien movie for big bald guys.

What joy is there in fighting a suicidal bald alien who may have–RIDLEY SCOTT!–created the human race and then came back to destroy it. Then we cut to the Isle Of Skye. Since we last saw the Scottish Highlands this summer in the RIDLEY SCOTT secret ending sequence of BATTLESHIP that does not bode well but we’re pretty early, maintain your optimism. It turns out our Young Scientists In Love have discovered a cavepainting that matches several other cave illustrations by Different Native Cultures From Around The World At The Same Time. This is where the stink of Erich von Däniken’s Chariots Of The Gods?” elements of the original Alien settles in. It was a 60’s/70’s “thing”, like est, the color avocado & porn stars who didn’t shave. These ancient ali-uh, Engineers want Large Earthling Corporations to build a trillion dollar spaceship & fly to their planet. Not beam a radio signal. Not send a probe. Because you didn’t buy your ticket to see Jodie Foster & Roy Scheider hanging out at the Very Large Array Giant-Ass Radio Antenna Farm, they make the conscience decision to travel several light years to get eaten by aliens

Fassbender, is quite good, as a robot obsessing on self-improvement if only to communicate/operate the eventual Alien technology while SPOILER, uh, RIDLEY SCOTT Furthering The Aims Of His Corrupt Corporate Overlords Who He Secretly Reports To. Even though the robot keeps watching Peter O’Toole in LAWRENCE OF ARABIA, his look & behavior comes from another film robot built for time & space travel, John Malkovich’s Ulysses in “Making Mr, Right” (come to think of it, that’s on the W-2 for ALL movie robots this side of Metropolis’ Maria Robot, & Steve The Pirate in “I, Robot”).

They get rid of the expository by having the robot check on everyone’s dreams & by waving his hands over their cryo-pods & “reading” their dreams while wearing a cool helmet that makes his visor glow bright yellow. Technically a robot should have that ability built in, but that glowing yellow helmet just looks so bitchin’ we’ll give the film a pass here. Note that the robot doesn’t bother watching the dreams of the RIDLEY SCOTT robot crewmembers-it would probably be Flying Toasters anyway. There’s a lot of cool 2001/Alien scenes of the robot exercising(now really, why would a robot do that?) shooting hoops while riding a bicycle in circles(not 1 brick!-you know, because unlike the post-season Kobe 2012 he’s a ROBOT) And since we’re on the road to Spoilerville, doesn’t it make too much sense that the all the perfect people are robots(not replicants) You can see Ridley Scott as our personal robot on this journey, betraying us and the ALIEN franchise!

We’ve got all sorts of running around. There’s some cool electronic ghosts of the aliens. They make no sense & it’s a half-assed plot point when one gets his head chopped off by the pod doors but guess what?-It Looks Cool. You’ve got Fiffield & Millburn who give away their C3PO & r2D2 by way of Star Trek redshirt status by being a couple annoying, pot smoking bickering ethnic eggheads(geologist & biologist) who after setting up the plotpoint of nifty 3-D hologram “mapping probes” are “bored” by the idea of discovering Aliens so they go off by themselves.

They get lost, then in the confusion they’re abandoned on the alien ship while bickering in that manner redshirts do before they die. Then they forget their fear of the Engineers just in time to re-do Wayne Knight’s death scene from Jurassic Park. Oh yes, unless you’re in Westworld never have a robot fix your drink, because they’ll slip Alien DNA in there like a fratboy without having any idea what effect it will have on your human organism…or your girlfriend. Or why

THIS Ridley Scott wishes he made “2001” instead of “Alien”. Why else hang all the Search For God/Meaning Of Humanity that made “Kingdom Of Heaven” such a big hit-or Star Trek 5 The Final Frontier the greatest of the Star Trek movies. No, they weren’t-I make joke.

After we get thru the pre-requisite Alien Movies Folger’s Scene where everybody wakes up & has breakfast while insulting people they haven’t talked to in 2 & a half years. Ridley Scott decided, like air-sickness bags, some crewmembers reaction to cryo-sleep should be barfing. It doesn’t amount to anything later but you know, spacebarf. We’re treated to a hologram of Guy Pearce beneath “Little Big Man” prosthetics or massive CGI, an old corrupt industrialist with perfect teeth. At this point you guys would probably be happy with a Tupac hologram, but he warns everybody don’t do anything He assumes in The Folly Of Man that proto-Alien/proto-Humans are interested in granting eternal youth/healing powers to decrepit earthling industrialists when there’s been no proof whatsoever they’d be willing to do that. If you’ve seen an alien movie in the last 60 years, or anything else involving conquistadors & missionaries, you’d know aliens can’t stand scientists, the military, the clergy & dogs. So any decrepit 1% industrialist who figures an alien species really wants to heal or communicate with him just removed himself from the 7 Habits Of Highly Effective People, 2094 Edition
Oh yes, when you flee from a crashing spaceship, even if you’re not Willie Mays, you’ll have an idea where it’s going to land. Just watch the Hindenberg ground crew on YouTube. There was 200 of those New Jersey working stiffs who were smart enough to cut left & right from the path of a falling, flaming airship…in 1937. Yet we go to 2094 & there’s a RIDLEY SCOTT robot-the same model series we saw sink baskets while riding a basketball in circles 2 hours before, and her programming instructs her to run down the soon-to-be debris field of a doomed alien ship?

This is a beautifully shot but ultimately inert and boring movie. If anyone but Sir Ridley made this, you would want his head on a pike for screwing up the ALIEN franchise. You expect more from Ridley Scott than a ripoff on EVENT HORIZON and NIGHTFLYERS (1987), which were ALIEN ripoffs of the lowest order.. Attack my review when you clearly wanna throw money away on a long, boring pointless ALIEN prequel? Good, go see it, but remember: You were warned. RIDLEY SCOTT! It stinks.